


Measure (Hurt/Comfort).

by AmaranthPrincess21



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, TW anorexia, tw bulimia, tw low self esteem, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 20:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaranthPrincess21/pseuds/AmaranthPrincess21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've been working hard doing extra training with the Corporal to lose weight. However, when you see that you haven't lost any, you made the resolution to try harder and skip meals. And while you're determined to keep continuing on with your unhealthy habits, Levi challenges you to think differently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Measure (Hurt/Comfort).

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, self-degradation, low self-esteem, and body image issues.  
> I had a relapse concerning anorexia and I started writing this during that time period, and I finished it tonight a week or two after I went back to eating normally. I thought maybe having this out would help people realize they're not alone and help inspire them to stop continuing with whatever eating disorder they have. I know during the height of my anorexic days I needed something like this out there, so I'm putting this out here for anyone that needs it.

It was so. Fucking. Hot. 

Sweat was pouring down your back and down your face as you aggressively sparred with your partner. Today you were testing yourselves, pushing each other to the brink. You had done your more intense conditioning regiment yet before this, and now you were practicing hand to hand combat, neither of you stopping for anything. You were panting heavily, beyond exhausted but forcing yourself to keep going, putting everything you had into the fight. Your uniform was soaked in sweat, and that your hair would be a sweaty, tangled mess when you took it out of your ponytail, but that didn’t bother you. 

All you were focused on was burning calories right now, and from how hard you had been working all day, you were sure you had at least dropped a kilogram today alone. 

You feinted a punch, and your opponent fell for it. Quickly, you punched him hard in the stomach and he fell to the ground. He grimaced in pain and motioned for you to stop. You extended your hand to him, and he gladly accepted it. 

“I think we’ve done enough for today,” Lance Corporal Levi told you, brushing the dirt off of his uniform. 

“Actually, I kinda want to keep going.” you said. _I can’t stop now! I’m on fire!_

“You look like you’re about to pass out, and my body’s had more than enough for today. And it’s not exactly healthy to be training for four hours straight like we just did.” 

“I guess,” you replied, grabbing a water skin and taking a drink from it. The water was hot, but still, it was water. And after all, it was important to stay hydrated. The heat quickly caught up with you, and you just realized how uncomfortable your sweaty uniform and the intense heat was. _I can’t wait to go take a shower, and then I’ll be able to take these clothes off!_

“We can spar tomorrow after breakfast if you want,” Levi suggested, loosening his cravat and taking his jacket and shirt off. 

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you said, smiling at him. While you initially started training with him to lose weight, you stayed because you had grown close to him and you loved training with him and being in his company. You both pushed each other to do your best, and you loved having a training buddy that was so dedicated to helping you.

You plopped down onto the ground, your legs relishing the feeling of relaxation. You exhaled deeply and began massaging your muscles. It felt good after such a harsh regiment today, and you had no time to waste in sitting around before getting to work. After all, today was special: today was the day that you did your body measurements. Levi sat down across from you, looking at you struggling to reach your back. 

“You need some help?” he asked. 

“Yeah, sure. Thanks,” you replied rather distractedly as he got up and moved behind you. It always surprised you just how soft his hands were, but it was a good kind of surprise. You had to fight back a moan as he kneaded your back. 

“You did good out there today, [First].” he told you. 

“Thank you, sir.” you replied, staring at the ground as you massaged your calves. 

“Both in our conditioning and the maneuver gear training before then. You’ve come a long way since you first joined a year ago. Keep up the good work and you won’t be a shitty cadet anymore,” he said, making you slightly chuckle. You appreciated the compliment, but you just wanted to go and take do your body measurements already. 

“Thanks, sir.” His hands moved down to your lower back, and your face exploded in color. Sure, he had done with several times before, but it never ceased to make you blush. 

“Lie down, you sitting up makes this difficult,” he demanded. You shook your head slightly, turning around to face him. 

“I think I’m good for today, but thank you. Turn around so I can return to favor.” you said, and while he looked like he was going to refuse, he ended up obeying. He went straight to lying down on an old blanket he had brought with you two, and you went to work rubbing his back. 

“You seem in a hurry today, cadet.” he observed conversationally as your hands kneaded his toned back. 

“Yeah, I just wanna go and take a shower already. I feel disgusting right now.” you said, only partially lying to him. He glanced up at you, an unreadable expression on his face. 

“Then go take a shower. I’ve managed to work out kinks without you before, I can certainly do it now.” he replied. You sighed in relief and got off of him. 

“Thank you so much, sir.” you told him gratefully, hurriedly grabbing your things and rushing to the castle like a cheetah after its prey. 

A small sense of disappointment flowed through your system as you entered the castle; it wasn't much cooler inside, and there was almost no relief from the heat. Your body ached as you trudged up the stairs to your dorm room to grab your things before making your way to the bathroom. 

Luckily for you, everyone had showered after their own training regiments earlier, so the shower room was empty. Cautiously, you pulled your measurement journal, charcoal pencil, and measuring tape and placed them on a stool near the mirror. 

_You’re disgusting,_ a voice in your head attacked you as you stripped out of your wet clothes. _You look worse than shit. You better hope you lost some weight, because being this fat is not okay._ You gritted your teeth and grabbed the measuring tape, the flexible tool wrapping around your body like a snake. Like you always did, you started with arm width and worked your way down. _Doing okay, only losing halves of centimeters, but that’s okay, I can just work harder,_ you consoled yourself as you wrote down the measurements and compared them to the results you had last week. _Okay, just have to measure my thighs and I’m done._ You reached down and wrapped the tape around your thigh. _Okay, now just need to . . . no. No, no, that can’t be right._

Panic started seeping into your blood as you realized today’s measurement was larger than last week’s. _I measured around the fullest part of my thigh as usual, and it’s reading the same result. I-I . . . how did I let this happen? And I had been doing so good until now!_ You bit your lip as you tried to fight back tears. _I worked so hard to get smaller and I just ended up getting bigger thighs! What’s wrong with me? Am I not working hard enough? I trained for three additional hours yesterday, and four today. Maybe I’m just eating too much. After all, I have more than half of all my meals for the past few days. Ugh, I_ knew _not giving Sasha half like always was a terrible idea! And now I’m paying the price for it._

You could feel tears falling from your [e/c] eyes. _God damn it, not again._ You dug your fingernails into the soft flesh of your thighs, hissing at the pain. You didn’t particularly like self-harming, but it helped to stop your tears and you felt like you deserved the pain for failing to lose weight. _I just won’t eat breakfast and lunch tomorrow in order to lose the weight, and I’ll train just as hard. Hopefully the combination of the two will help me lose the extra thigh fat and maybe even some more weight._

*The Next Day* 

“Sasha, I’m not hungry. Do you want my breakfast?” you asked as you sat with Sasha, Connie, and Jean in the mess hall. It was only partially a lie. You were a little bit hungry, but you just felt too terrible to eat. _You’re a failure; you don’t deserve to eat anyway. Can’t even consistently lose weight. You’re a disappointment,_ you degraded yourself as Sasha squealed with delight and eagerly took your breakfast. 

“But it’s your favorite,” Jean pointed out, looking at you oddly. You shrugged. 

“I’m not hungry, and I don’t want the food to go to waste.” you explained. Jean still looked at you oddly, but let it go and went back to eating his own breakfast. The yearning in your stomach for food increased, but you angrily told your stomach, _Stop complaining. You’ve gone without meals before; this isn’t going to kill you._ The sharp sound of boots against the hard wood floor alerted you to someone approaching your table. Glancing, you noticed that the Corporal had arrived at your table. 

“Cadet [Last], I’d like to speak to you in my office.” he said, motioning for you to stand up and follow him. Your heart started racing as you stood up and followed him to his office. _What did I do? I haven’t done anything wrong, I shouldn’t be punished for anything!_ He was quiet the entire trip up to his office. He let you inside, and you quickly went to sit in the visitor’s chair as he shut the door and went to sit behind his desk. 

“Sir, may I ask why I’m here?” you asked curiously, leaning onto the desk. 

“I just wanted to see how you were doing after yesterday,” he said nonchalantly, leaning back in his chair. 

“I, I’m doing well, sir.” you replied, surprised why he was asking about your well-being. It was a lie; everything hurt and was sore, but you weren’t going to let him know that. “How are you doing, Corporal?” 

“Everything hurts like a bitch,” he told you bluntly, making you giggle a bit. “So I’m canceling our private conditioning session today.” 

“Oh, okay.” _I was looking forward to training with you,_ you lamented silently. _I guess I’ll just have to work out by myself today._

“I’m in charge of your basic training later today, however,” he added as if trying to make up for breaking the plan. “And I’ll make up for lost time during that. I’m just too sore to beat the shit out of you and then go into more training today.” 

“Excuse me, sir, but I remember a few times where I completely dominated you,” you told him playfully, a grin on your face. He chuckled. 

“Those times were rare occurrences and shouldn’t be counted. Beat me every other day and then we’ll talk,” he said, making you laugh. He slightly smirked. “Go back to breakfast, [First]. You’re going to have another harsh regiment today and you’ll need to fuel your body.” You didn’t realize you paled until Levi said, “The fuck are you looking at me like that for? I know the food here is shit but it’s not _that_ bad.” 

“I already finished eating, sir,” you covered up your mistake quickly, slightly ashamed you had let yourself get off guard so fast. _He’s not going to worry about you, so why are you lying?_ a voice in your head demanded, but you didn’t answer it as Levi raised a thin eyebrow at you. 

“You’re usually slow as fuck eating, but all right. I understand if you were hungrier than usual today. After all, you were just picking at your dinner last night before giving it to Cadet Braus.” _He saw that?_ you thought embarrassedly, trying not to cringe in your chair. 

“Yeah, I was starving,” you told him. _More like I_ am _starving,_ you thought bitterly as another pang of hunger hit your stomach. _Stop it, [First]. You’re going to be so glad when you lose that fat. Just endure it; it will be worth it in the end._

*Later That Day* 

“Pick it up, Cadet [Last]! I know you can run better than that!” Levi shouted at you as you and some of your comrades ran laps after grueling conditioning and maneuver gear sessions. Your chest heaved as you picked up your pace; he was more than right. You were a full lap behind everyone else. 

_Disappointing pig. Letting your feelings and fatness get in the way of your training. It’s disgusting. Run faster,_ your head told you. Although you felt light headed, you started running faster, determined to catch up with your friends and get in that lost lap. 

Your calves felt like liquid fire was running through them as you sped past your friends and around the makeshift dirt track. Heart pounding like a drum in your chest and head spinning, you kept up your fast pace, once again pushing your body more than you really should have been. 

“Good girl,” you heard Levi say in quiet approval as you sped past him, making up the one lap difference between you and everyone else. Your friends were on the other side of the track, a half of a lap to go before finishing. _Go to them, you fat sack of shit!_ your conscious screamed at you, and you had never sprinted faster in your life. You finished not too shortly after your friends, wheezing and desperately trying to catch your breath as you felt dizzy. 

“Acceptable work today, cadets. Go wash up. You’re all sweaty and disgusting.” he dismissed you all. His mouth kept moving after that, but you didn’t hear anything as you collapsed onto the dusty ground, and your vision soon went black. 

The first things you felt when you came to were something soft under your head and something warm near your back. You slowly opened your eyes. A white wall was the first thing you saw. You yawned and cautiously tried to roll onto your back, but you hit something. 

Or rather someone. 

“It’s about fucking time you woke up. I was starting to think you were going to be out for another day.” the deep voice of Corporal informed you. _WHAT?!_ You scooted away from him, propping yourself onto your elbows to get a good look at him. He was in uniform, sitting in bed next to you with his back against the wall and paperwork in his lap. 

“Sir, what’s going on?” you asked, mind racing in panic when you realized you couldn’t remember anything after running laps. 

“You passed out after training yesterday. I asked to keep you in here so I could conveniently keep an eye on you.” he explained as if it was nothing. “You gave us a scare, [First]. What happened that made you pass out? I’ve put you through harder things than that before.” You blushed and lied back down, curling up in Levi’s blankets. 

“I don’t know,” you murmured. You figured you passed out because you had skipped two meals, and you weren’t exactly _dying_ to tell him that. 

“Do I have to order you to tell me what’s wrong? You’ve been acting weird lately and it’s off-putting,” he told you. You snuggled into his pillow a bit more, inhaling deeply. 

“I hadn’t eaten all day.” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. You could have heard a pin drop, the room was so silent. 

“You’re meaning to tell me not only did you lie to me about having breakfast yesterday morning, but that you were stupid enough to try and do basic training without eating first?” he asked, his voice deadly quiet. “What’s wrong with you? Do you realize how reckless and dangerous that is?” 

“I wasn’t hungry,” you defended yourself, voice muffled against his pillow. His hand gripped your shoulder and pulled you down so you lay on your back. 

“I don’t care if you’re not fucking hungry,” he said, glaring at you. You shrunk into the sheets, wanting to escape. “You need something to run on while you’re working out. Would you be stupid enough to try and use your gear without having gas canisters in it?” 

“No,” you whimpered, started to feel scared at this side of Levi. 

“Then why would you try and train without having anything in your stomach?” he demanded, grey eyes boring holes into your [e/c] ones. 

“I wasn’t hungry,” you repeated again, voice barely above a whisper. 

“Do you realize that there are people out there that have nothing to eat on a daily basis and would gladly die for the opportunity to have three meals a day? I don't care if you're not hungry; I will shove food down your fucking throat, but do not _ever_ skip another meal." 

"But sir," 

"That's an order, cadet." he growled at you. Biting your lip, you broke eye contact with him. _I'll just have to be more careful and only skip one meal a day from now on._

"Yes, sir." you replied. He sighed, placing his paperwork on pen onto his night stand. 

"Why are you treating me as if I'm being unreasonable, [First]? I’m looking out for your safety and you’re acting like I’m trying to make you do something shitty.” _What you’re doing_ is _shitty. How do you expect me to be happy at this weight? You’re keeping me from being happy with that stupid order,_ you wanted to scream at him, but you knew not to mess with him when he was angry like this. 

“I’m not meaning to act like that, sir.” you told him. He rolled his eyes and got up, tugging on your arm. 

“Whatever. Just stop it. Now come on, I promised Hange and the medics I’d take you to them once you regain consciousness.” 

*Forty Minutes Later* 

“How are you feeling, [First]?” Hange asked you as you sat in her lab. The medics were busy tending to some serious injuries some new recruits had gotten during their basics, so Hange offered to check up on you. You shrugged. 

“I feel fine.” you answered her. _I feel like shit, actually, but I need to pass this test so I can get back to work._

“Okay, good. And how has it been since you were last sick?” 

“Um, about a month and a half ago.” 

“And did you get over that cold?” 

“Yes, I’ve been better for a few weeks.” Hange’s pen flowed across her clipboard. 

“Have you been sexually active in the past year?” 

“No.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, Hange, I’m sure.” 

“Okay. So, then what caused the loss of consciousness?” 

“She hadn’t eaten all day before training,” Levi answered for you from his spot against the wall. You gave him a dirty look while Hange looked at you in shock. 

“Why didn’t you eat breakfast or lunch?” she inquired. 

“I wasn’t hungry during breakfast, and I was conditioning by myself and accidentally missed lunch,” you lied. 

“Make sure to not do that again, okay?” Hange instructed, and you nodded. _Yeah, yeah, just give me permission to return to work, already._ “Can you take your shoes and jacket off and go stand on my scale?” You didn’t move for a moment, glancing to Levi. _I don’t want him to see how fat I am._

“C-Corporal, could you please leave for a moment?” you requested. 

“Tch. Fine. I’ll see you at dinner.” he said, taking his sweet time walking to the door and leaving. Once he was gone, you quickly shed your shoes and jacket and hopped on the scale. Suspense was building in your stomach as Hange moved the weights around to calculate how much you weighed. When she finally achieved the balance needed, you looked to her to tell you how much you weighed. She looked at the scale in shock, making nervousness flow through your system. _No no no, that’s not a good look. I must be overweight. Great, I knew this was going to happen!_

“[First], you’re twelve kilos underweight.” 

“Twelve kilos underweight?” _That’s_ all?! _That’s barely anything! I’m still such a cow! Either her definition of underweight is wrong or the scale’s wrong._

“Yes. I’m going to have to ask you to make sure you eat every last scrap of your rations, and maybe start doing some weight training so you gain some muscle weight.” she advised you. _Like hell I’m doing that,_ you snorted. 

“Okay, I’ll make sure to do that,” you lied, smiling sweetly at her. You stepped off the scale and put on your shoes and jacket. _I worked so hard and I’m still so big. I have to work harder now in order to lose all of this weight._

_It’s your own fault, you piece of shit. If you weren’t such a pig when it came to food and such a weakling, you wouldn’t have this problem,_ your consciousness tore you apart as you walked down to the mess hall and got your rations. You bit the inside of your lip to stop the tears, the pain distracting you from making tears. Tonight’s dinner was soup, bread, and half a potato. You sat down with Sasha and Jean, answering their concerns about you, and then kept to yourself once they were satisfied with their interrogation. You played with your soup until you felt someone sit next to you. A gasp came from Sasha. 

“Corporal! Sir, what brings you here?” Sasha asked anxiously. 

“What, I can’t sit with my cadets?” he retorted, and you could feel your cheeks flare with color. _You asshole! I can’t believe you’re over here just to babysit me! Go back and sit with the Commander and Hange-san. I don’t want you near me,_ you growled at him, quickly realizing why he was sitting with you. 

“I-I . . . Um, you can sit with us, Corporal,” Sasha backed down even more, returning to her food. Levi glanced at you, and you put a spoonful of soup in your mouth and swallowed it down. It burned your throat, and it hurt to eat it. After all, you felt like you had been doing so good until then. But now you were being forced to eat everything. Eren and Jean struck up a conversation with Levi, but you could tell your superior was watching you out of the corner of his eye, making sure you ate everything on your tray. 

And you did. Guilt and disgust went through your body as you down the very last bit of food, a small morsel of bread. _You’re such a pig. You’re going to get even fatter and disgusting from that. You better go throw it up now,_ the voice in your head attacked you as you stood up suddenly and quietly, hurrying away from everyone. You put your dirty dishes in the water-filled bin and hurried off to the bathroom. _Wait a minute, if I’ve been out for a long time that means I’ve skipped more meals. That means I may have lost some centimeters off my thighs!_ you realized. You started jogging to the staircase, hurrying up it as hope flooded your body. You went into your dorm, grabbed your measuring kit, and hurried off into the bathroom. Heart pounding, you shut the door and picked a stall. You shoved your fingers down your throat, making your dinner come back up. Vomit burned your throat like liquid fire as you threw up into the toilet. You weren’t exactly fond of throwing up your food, but it you felt like it was necessary. You stood up carefully, feeling a bit dizzy. Flushing the toilet, you went to a sink to wash the spit and vomit off your fingers before pulling your measuring tape out of your bag and wrapping it around your thigh. _Come on, let me see some good resul -_

Tears blurred your vision as you saw there was no difference from your most recent measurement. _But, but I skipped meals! I worked hard! Why didn’t I lose anything?!_ you thought, distraught. A few tears slid down your cheeks and a sob ripped itself from your throat. _Stop it! Stop crying you piece of shit!_ you screamed at yourself, slapping your thigh as hard as you possibly could. Red-hot pain seared through your thigh and a cry of pain followed by a sob escaped from you. 

_Stop crying like a baby and go do something productive,_ you scolded yourself. _Maybe if you weren’t such a horrible piece of shit you’d be at a good weight and you wouldn’t be in this mess. Now go throw up whatever’s left in your stomach. That’ll fix the problem._ You trudged back into the stall, the door open as you made yourself wretch up the contents of your stomach. You were aware you were being louder than normal, sobbing and vomiting, but you were too upset to care. _I just do my best to lose weight, and it never works! Why am I a failure? Why can’t I be nice and skinny? I’m a disgusting pig of a girl and I’m always going to be one!_

“[First]? What . . . oi, stop that, brat!” 

“Leave me alone!” you shouted at Levi as he grabbed your wrists, forcing your hands away from your mouth. “Let go of me!” He wrenched you up onto your feet, his foot catching the toilet cover and pushing it down. He sat you down, hands still tightly wrapped around your wrists. 

"I'm not letting you go until you explain just what the hell you think you’re doing," he all but growled at you. "What are you doing to yourself? Skipping meals, forcing yourself to throw it back up when you actually eat, and I'm going to assume the only reason you work out with me is tied to these bullshit actions." 

"N-not completely," you replied. "I-I do really like spending time with you." he sighed, the look of outrage melting away. 

"Just talk to me about what's going on." You refused to talk, staring at the ground while you cried. "Hange told me you're underweight. Very underweight." - Still, you kept your lips sealed - "[First], why are you doing all of this?" 

Silence. 

"[First], I'm not going to order you to do anything, but as your friend I want to know why you're torturing yourself like this?" 

"B-because I'm disgusting." you whimpered at last, feeling your walls breaking at his quiet pleas. "I'm fat, and disgusting, and -" 

"Stop. Stop and look at me." he said. You obeyed, looking up at him through your eyelashes. "I don't want to hear those words come out of your mouth ever again. You're lying to yourself. You are not disgusting. You are not fat. Didn't I just tell you that you're underweight?" 

"You're lying," you accused him, tears streaming in rivulets down your cheeks. 

“Why would I lie to you? What could I possibly gain from lying to you?” he challenged you. You found it hard to believe him, but his question made you stop and think why _would_ he lie to you? There wasn’t any prize for him if he did, but you just couldn’t see his words as truth. You sniffed, trying to calm yourself and looked back to the time floor. “I’m not ordering you as your superior. I’m asking you as a friend. Stop skipping meals, stop pushing yourself so hard, and stop putting yourself down. You are a strong soldier and a wonderful person. You deserve better.” 

“I want to go sleep,” you said, a flush enveloping your face. _Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m wrong._

_Oh, you’re not. You’re right. He’s just lying to you,_ the voice in your head told you. 

_He can’t gain anything from lying to me,_ you reminded it quietly as Levi helped you up. He helped you wash your hands and face before helping you off to his office. 

“I’d like to keep you near me for one more night, just so it’s easier for you to get help if you need it,” he explained, opening the door and letting you inside. 

“Thank you for helping me, Corporal.” you said as he entered and shut the door. 

“Don’t mention it, [First].” he replied. You reached out and wrapped your arms around his neck, burying your face in the crook of his neck. He tenderly placed his arms around your waist, pulling you closer and nuzzling your hair. “I just don’t want you to torture yourself like this. You don’t deserve it, and it’s not healthy. I just want what’s best for you.” 

“Corporal -” 

“Levi. You can call me Levi when we’re alone.” 

“I’m so glad I have you in my life, Levi.” 

“And I’m glad I have you in mine, [First]. But please, treat yourself better.” 

“I’ll try.”


End file.
